Murder! She Crowed
by katjedi
Summary: Who are these deranged youths anyway, Artorius wonders, incredulous now. They've done nothing but mess up his carefully crafted lines, and there's just no rhyme or reason to all they've been saying. In which Artorius Collbrande has a chance encounter with a strange youth and his malak.


**Series:** Tales of Berseria, Tales of Zestiria  
 **Genre:** Gen, Humour  
 **Character(s):** Artorius Collbrande, Velvet Crowe, Sorey, Mikleo and Phoenix  
 **Warnings:** Birb metaphors lol, breaking the fourth-wall, all the crack  
 **Summary:** Who are these deranged youths anyway, Artorius wonders, incredulous now. They've done nothing but mess up his carefully crafted lines, and there's just no rhyme or reason to all they've been saying.

 **A/N:** Alternatively also titled "Episode AA: V for Vengeance." This started as a practice for writing character dialogues, but turned into a crack fic all on its own. Since some people got good laughs out of it when it was first posted up on tumblr, I thought I'd crosspost it here too. Little to no spoilers for Berseria's major plot points.

* * *

 _ **Murder! She Crowed**_

* * *

 **~.*.~**

 **.**

 **.**

At the heart of it, Artorius is but a man with simple wishes.

 _No, not wishes,_ he corrects himself. _I have no personal wish or want for more._

Order and logic – that is enough, _should_ be enough. He closes his eyes, breathes, and exhales slowly, quelling all desires and emotions from within. Just as how he'd been taught before so long ago by his master. He does not wish or want for more. So, he is mostly unperturbed when he'd been whisked away in the midst of a battle and into this strange, strange land. A land illuminated by a glowing light that seems to dance from within the earth itself.

It will take a while, but he trusts Melchior to appear in time to retrieve him. He turns his attention to the group who had been transported here alongside him. Artorius knows the young woman who is staring daggers his way. He isn't ruffled much by it – he knows the reason why, has always known how it might all play out in the end – and faces the other two before him instead.

The young man tilts his head in curiosity, evergreen eyes meeting the steely grey of Artorius' weathered gaze. But he readily cracks a smile, introducing himself as 'Sorey', and–

"And this here is Mikleo, my best friend. We've known each other since we were little!"

Childhood friends with a malak, and an un-tethered one at that? How very odd indeed. But Artorius can also sense it, the potential and seemingly hidden strength within the youth, odd and guileless as he is with his bright-eyed wonder.

"I see," Artorius only replies simply before he falls silent. The youth and his malak are soon distracted by the ruins before them however; they're now studying the edge of the crumbling stonework and peering into the dark cavernous drop below, exchanging excited whispers to each other.

It will be awhile before Melchior shows and they have time to spare. So, Artorius moves to stand beside them, commanding their attention once more with a slight nod, a tiny smile.

"Why do you think birds fly?" he asks, casting a solemn gaze upwards. The sea breeze is cold and crisp; he can hear the faint cry of a hawk gliding in the endless sky above them.

Sorey considers Artorius' words for a moment, folds his arms across his chest and replies, "Well, that's because all animals have to adapt to their environment to survive, right? And many birds are just _built_ for flight – they have wings, streamlined bodies, feathers, and even hollow bones! These are all designs that naturally allow birds to soar high above in the skies."

"Uh–" Artorius blinks, snapping his gaze back at the two.

"Right," Mikleo quips, before he can speak. "And it isn't just for survival either; some birds are predators and flying helps them hunt prey more efficiently."

"No, that's not what I mean..." Artorius tries again, but Sorey interjects before he can even continue.

"Yeah! It's also sort of a misconception to say _all_ birds can fly. They might look like they're built for it, but some birds – like pengyons – can't fly at all, but are good at catching prey in the water.

Mikleo nods. "Indeed. So, I think the question we should be asking is: why do birds even have wings? What first made them evolve and develop these wings so that they could take flight or swim better in water?"

"Birds are amazing, aren't they Mikleo?" Sorey waves his arms out, to mimic a flapping motion. "I'd rather be a bat though. Bats can fly _and_ use sonar to find their way in the dark – that's like, _double_ cool!"

"Of course you would. You're the weird one here, after all."

"Hey, birds of a feather flock together..."

His stoic demeanour cracking, Artorius finally snaps, "Can you two nerds stop ruining my metaphor already?"

But the youth and his malak are way too fired up now that they had started. Artorius perseveres, of course (he isn't used to being thrown off like this). He tries hard still to get his metaphor in edgewise, only to realise it's almost _impossible_ because these two just won't _stop_ talking and bickering about actual animal facts–

"What about ostriches though?" Mikleo muses, conveniently missing the narrative hint and the man's indignant glare at being talked over. "Why do they even _have_ wings that are clearly too small for flying or swimming? It's almost useless for..." He crosses his arms over his chest, brows furrowed. "For anything, really."

"You're always so quick to judge," Sorey laughs, raising a finger to tap the side of his face. He beams, green eyes aglow and– "Or _maybe_ ostriches have arms like ours instead of wings? Like... like feathered arms! Bet those would be handy for really cold days, huh."

Mikleo only quirks an eyebrow at that, and huffs. "So, basically a bird with human arms? Coming from you, I can't say that I'm all that surprised."

"Just admit that you're jealous you didn't come up with it first!"

"Let's not get ahead of ourselves."

Birds with human arms? Clearly just a pitiful human infected with daemon-blight. Artorius closes his eyes, wills himself to find his centre again and sighs. No matter – the youth and his malak are young still; they'll understand someday. He turns his attention back to the woman instead. Her eyes are burning embers, and she's been scowling silently at them for the entire scene.

"So, Velvet," Artorius intones once more in his most obnoxious, benevolent Shepherd Edge Lord™ voice. "Have you found your answer? Why do you think birds fly?"

To which Velvet only reaches out with her left arm – daemon claws curved into the vicious red maw of a hungry beast – and slam-dunks Artorius straight into the abyss of the ruins as she snarls, "FOR VENGEANCE AND EVOLUTION, YOU ASS!"

Standing off to the side and upon a boulder, the normin Phoenix only lets out a deep, disappointed sigh as he flips through TOZ-X Episode AA's latest script.

"I can't believe they threw a bunch of tropes into a meme plot generator to write this crossover! Such travesty!" he yells in frustration and promptly flings the script down into the abyss after Artorius.

 **.**

 **.**

 ** _ **-En** d-_**


End file.
